Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
