I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
