I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
