I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
