Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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