I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
