I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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