please come you make the beer taste better
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
