cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
