I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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