Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How does one acquire holy water?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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