That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
