Four minutes until I can fart!
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My breasts were aching with rage.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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