he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
