Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
