Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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