we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
