and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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