I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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