can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
