playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
