K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
