my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
