i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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