Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
