Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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