He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
