walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's official drugs can't kill me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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