john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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