I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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