Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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