I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
