I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
