hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
