just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you inspire me to be a worse person
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No Oneâ€™s Around
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I dropped her off at home and her fiancÃ© was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck