I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for