The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking