no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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