i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
