apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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