i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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