I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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