I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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