I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize