So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
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We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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