Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
