this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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