I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
