everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
