She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
