capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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