You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
