I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Four minutes until I can fart!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
