I bet he comes in French.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
