I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
