a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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