I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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