90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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