You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My feet surprised me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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